HOW DOES RETIREMENT IMPACT RELATIONSHIPS WITH A PARTNER AND FAMILY?

We’re aware of how much a person’s life changes when they retire, but not so much of the impact it has on their partner and, to a lesser extent, on immediate family. Let’s take a look at how retirement impacts on partner and family relationships.

The changes that affect the lives of retired people also alter the agreements that they’ve already made with their loved ones and raise new expectations and fears. In addition to having an opportunity to add more intimacy and meaning to their relationships, the retiree has to contribute to recovering the lost balance by building new consensus, because rich and varied relationships will bring meaning to their new stage of life and will strengthen their creative initiatives.

I’m going to be discussing:

• The impact that retirement has on partner relationships and, very briefly, on the rest of the family.
• Problems that can arise and how to find solutions.

 

I’m going to base this on the knowledge I acquired during the study of 150 retired people published in my book: “La Jubilación, una nueva oportunidad” (Retirement, a new opportunity) and from the queries I received in 2 open offices on retirement, which I held at the magazine Júbilo and at the radio station Radiosol XXI.

 

Marital Problems

Retirement brings into play the maturity level of the personality. There are two traits that play an essential role: the capacity to relate to one’s experiences (especially tolerating the intense and negative ones) and the capacity to verbalize (to put into words what one feels in order to understand and share). In addition, the following also contribute to overcoming the transition and adapting to this phase of life: the set of values, the accumulated experience in having faced changes and losses, the previous preparation and the availability of social support.

The transition to retirement has uncertain implications for the individual, which can manifest themselves in complex and unexpected psychological reactions. It is therefore beneficial to take time to engage with what it feels like to move into retirement. Among other reasons, because it avoids repressing feelings and thoughts that can be displaced to other areas of life and negatively affect mood or relationships. The personal response to the transition to retirement can also affect a spouse and he or she may become anxious about behavioral changes that they don’t understand or share.

If both spouses work, there will be two retirements that will have to be managed and negotiated and double the adjustment, with 2 types of responses, agendas, priorities and needs.

Marital problems constituted 40% of the total consultations in my two offices. Mostly homemakers wrote to me, but also some husbands. In both cases, complaints about the months following retirement predominated.

They reported:

• Frequent arguments (economic issues, excessive control over partner/child).
• Absence of communication, “absent around the house”.
• Sadness, depression (complaining spouse, loss of will, weight gain, disregard for physical appearance).
• Increased sexual desire.
• Increased alcohol consumption.

 

Although disrupted equilibrium is usually restored in a short period of time, the process of the other partner adjusting to his or her spouse’s retirement is not always easy. Having a receptive and encouraging husband or wife can be a great help in taking the plunge and planning and sharing new activities and pleasurable moments. As a matter of fact, several widows have confessed to me that they miss their long-dead spouses even more so when they retire.

 

How does the social interaction of retired people change?

The retiree loses, along with their job, one of their main avenues of social participation (they miss their colleagues) and a sense of belonging. Their social world shrinks, they may feel lonely, isolated or that they no longer count for others. Schlossberg speaks of: “an emptying of contacts”. They face the reality of being just an individual and go from having been a recognized member of a group to being anonymous. This may be the time to cultivate new or pre-existing relationships, to end some, to start others or to be included in different groups.

This increased social isolation, combined with losing a job, leads to a focusing inward, the retiree’s center of gravity turns inwards. The shift prompts them to review their past, and if they come to the conclusion that they’ve caused deprivation or harm to loved ones, they have the opportunity to make amends by taking novel steps. In fact, for one or both partners, retirement can act as a catalyst for removing the underlying forces that have kept the relationship at a standstill.

Jobs provide spaces of freedom for both spouses, where they satisfy certain personal needs apart from the partnership. When either spouse retires, this source of gratification disappears and the space that helped structure the relationship is reduced. Mutual interdependence is reinforced and cohabitation increases, which can either make the relationship flourish or create new problems.

Once settled in retirement, the retired person has to find new activities and relationships that bring meaning and satisfaction to this new stage. Their initiatives may not be understood or may not coincide with those expected by their partner, and may arouse rejection or be perceived as a threat to the security of the relationship. Similarly, the spouses may not coincide in their interests, their energy level, their socialization needs or the distance they want to maintain with their children or grandchildren.

 

How does retirement impact marital conflicts?

Independent activities of the retiree that lead to conflicts in the relationship:

• They take care of their parents, they go out a lot (one spouse feels displaced or abandoned).
• It impedes joint projects (travel or change of residence).
• Differences and fights over the allocation of household chores.

 

Most couples welcome the sharing of household chores, replacing traditional roles with more egalitarian ones. It’s either an area where they keep growing together (more assertive women and more supportive men) or a minefield.

When it’s the man who retires, he spends more time at home, a traditionally feminine territory, which, added to the loss of his job role, may accentuate the disruption of his identity, and as a consequence, resist assuming a traditionally feminine role. On the other hand, the woman who has remained in charge of the home, has established her rules and routines with autonomy and now sees this arrangement altered by having to share not only the space, but also the decision-making and therefore the power, with her husband.

 

These changes have more impact than the sharing out of specific obligations. Through household chores, different affections are expressed, control is exercised, independence is defended, etc. And although they seem to be superficial problems, important aspects of the relationship are often at stake, such as the recognition of each other’s contribution, the acceptance of certain individual preferences, etc. It’s better not to ignore them if you wish to understand the deeper meaning of what is being discussed and find solutions that go beyond the immediate reason for the disagreement.

Let’s look at how retirement has an impact if only one spouse is retired while the other spouse continues to work; in this case there are several challenges. Being in a different status changes old habits and creates new circumstances that cannot be shared. One spouse may be jealous of the one who is still working, or vice versa, and the latter may envy and resent the former’s opportunities for fulfilment. And each may make demands that the other is unable to meet because of his or her own commitments.

There are husbands who pressure their wives to retire with them as they’re reluctant to reconcile their new plans for activity and leisure with the demands of their wives’ job. And the wives expect, when they may be at the peak of their career development, that their retired husbands will take responsibility for the housework and support them in their professional goals. Some expressed concern that because of their obligations or fatigue, they were unable to accompany their husbands in their activities outside the home.

The focus on work makes it easier to ignore the existence of more serious differences or problems in the marriage. Once they are face to face and are less likely to keep looking the other way, a lack of harmony or bonding becomes evident. This explains why some separations occur after retirement.

As we have seen, increased cohabitation can encourage the taking up of new shared activities as well as maybe produce friction and lead to phobic anxieties in either spouse. The latter manifest themselves as fears of being controlled or invaded by the one who has been reaffirmed in his or her usual position or who has already become accustomed to the changes brought about. (Nobuo Kurokawa and the “retired husband syndrome”). Men can also experience this type of fear, as one of my interviewees said: ” As I lose my cruising speed, I fear falling under my wife’s influence, becoming just an appendage to her, and being at the mercy of whatever she wants to do. I might find myself hitched to her wagon and seeing myself as a docile ox just going wherever she wishes”.

Even the most committed marriages need to renew the relationship and develop new ways of respecting and supporting each other. “It’s like we need to get to know each other again” said one of my interviewees. They need to restructure the shared living space by finding the right balance of proximity that meets both of their needs for closeness and respects each other’s private spaces. Reaching a satisfactory consensus requires sharing experiences and expectations, putting oneself in the other’s shoes and accepting their personal space, preferences and plans. Moreover, other combined factors, which for many years served as a channel for their marital life, such as caring for the children and feelings of sexual desire, may have lost their importance.

And, in turn, each partner needs to develop his or her interests and friendships and decide how much time to set aside for individual activities and relationships. Bernard and Treille say: “Creating a world for oneself in order to better reconnect with the other is perhaps one of the keys to success in retirement”.

 

Keys to revitalize the marital bond

In her interesting and amusing book “Retirement for Two”, Maryanne Valderverde gives us some advice on how to revitalize the marital bond after retirement: “Listening is more important than ever. First, because we’re now closer than ever and if one isn’t interested in the other, one or both of us will have a hard time. Second, because we both have interesting things to say and discuss as we go through the transitions of retirement and finally try to complement each other. Third, because facing the future at this stage is scary and we need to be able to talk about it.”

There are some basic rules that favor communication in case of conflict. One is to avoid criticism and backbiting. If what is said are accusations, it’s likely that hurtful expressions will be used and that the receiver will feel attacked and respond defensively. On the other hand, if you express how you feel about what has happened and what personal needs you’d like to see satisfied, it’s likely that your partner, with a minimum of empathy, will be more sensitive and will try to support you.

Family relationships help retirees preserve their identity and increase their well-being. Improving the free time available to devote to the family can lead to significant changes in the relationship. But here too, each retired person will have to find a balance between strengthening their emotional ties and preserving a degree of autonomy for pursuing their individual goals.

In my study “Retirement a New Opportunity” I found:

Women worried about maintaining their sense of freedom: “Sometimes, I think my kids take me for granted. I had to set them straight. I told them, “I have my own life, and that includes taking care of you.”

Men wanting to get closer to their children/grandchildren to compensate for past separations due to their work.

The same issues of finding a satisfactory distance from the family appeared in the requests for help that I received, both individually and jointly. Some, generally sent by men, complained about their partners’ excessive dedication to the care of parents or children. Others spoke of feeling trapped being a caregiver because they were unable to moderate their commitment.
There were also those who asked me for advice to help them overcome the grief caused by the separation of a family member to whom they were very close.

If the caregiving is to everyone’s liking, it produces mutual satisfaction and benefits, but if it takes up a lot of energy or requires burdensome sacrifices, it can lead to stress and resentment.

With regard to adult children, respecting their freedom to live their own lives and, at the same time, accepting the limited availability of their parents requires mutual understanding, maturity and dialogue. Failure to do so may result in infantilizing or overburdening the children and missing out on the opportunities for growth that retirement offers. To a large extent, the quality of the interaction in the marriage of the elderly depends on the agreements that they make with their children and grandchildren.

The experience of being a grandparent is one of the most exciting and rewarding. Playing and talking with grandchildren is a delightful adventure that rejuvenates us as we get to look at the world through their eyes. We need to learn to love and care for them from a position subordinate to that of parents, because as Peeling says, “If becoming a grandparent means that your children have to depend on you, caring for your grandchildren can go from being a delight to being a burden”.

 

To sum up, of all the changes that occur in life, there are few that affect it as much as retirement. It’s an opportunity to freely choose how we wish to live, without conforming to any model or proving anything to anyone. We have an opportunity to displace the central role of a job and make room for the people we love and who love us.

Another statement from one of my interviewees sums it up well: “Retirement is a wake-up call for starting a new life, which I have to make the most of whatever I do… love, affection for my wife and daughters, spending more time with my friends, nature… It’s also a time to really love myself”.

Finally, in this lecture, let me be so bold as to tell you about what musicians and poets sing about; the joys and misfortunes of love. The kind of love that sustains us, gives us strength and protects us from setbacks throughout different stages of life.

 

Thank you very much.

In this link, you can see the complete video of the webinar “¿Cómo impacta la jubilación en las relaciones en pareja y familiares?“.